What to Say (And What Not to Say) to Someone with Depression

Introduction

“Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.” — Lemony Snicket

Or, as a 2023 study of randomized controlled trials found that social support–based interventions help prevent the onset of depression in people without clinical depression, demonstrating a measurable protective effect, social support plays a critical role in both the onset and recovery from depression. What you say, and how you say it, can help a loved one take the first step toward healing or push them deeper into isolation.

You see someone you love withdrawing, struggling, or simply not being themselves anymore. You want to help. You want to say the right thing. But somehow, the words come out wrong. Maybe they even cause more hurt. You’re not alone in feeling helpless.

Depression is not just about feeling low—it affects how a person thinks, behaves, and experiences the world. And while many of us want to help, we often aren't equipped with the right language or understanding to do so. This guide breaks it all down—what helps, what hurts, and what you can actually say that supports healing.

The Language of Depression: Understanding Before Speaking

Supporting someone with depression begins with deep empathy and an understanding of what depression really is, not what we assume it to be.

a) Depression Is Not the Same as Sadness

One of the biggest misunderstandings is confusing sadness with depression. While sadness is a temporary emotion triggered by a specific event, depression is a persistent mental health condition that can last for weeks, months, or even years.

Difference between sadness and depression symptoms:

1. Sadness usually has a clear cause (e.g., breakup, loss).
2. Depression may not have an obvious trigger and persists beyond logical boundaries.
3. Sadness allows moments of joy or relief; depression makes joy feel unreachable.

b) Recognizing Common Symptoms of Depression

Before we know what to say, we must recognize the signs. Sometimes, the most vocal people are struggling silently.

Warning signs that you may be depressed (or someone you know might be):

1. Persistent fatigue and loss of interest in daily activities
2. Changes in sleep (insomnia or oversleeping)
3. Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
4. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
5. Thoughts of self-harm or suicide

These are not just emotional. There are physical and emotional signs of depression, too:

1. Appetite changes
2. Unexplained aches and pains
3. Restlessness or slowed movements
4. Emotional numbness or flatness

c) How Depression Affects Daily Life

Living with depression is like running a marathon every day with no finish line in sight. Even brushing teeth or replying to a text can feel overwhelming. Work suffers, relationships become strained, and personal hygiene might deteriorate, not from laziness but from the sheer exhaustion of existing. In such moments, reaching out to the best mental health experts can provide the structure, validation, and care needed to begin the journey toward healing.

What to Say and What Not to Say: Practical Communication Tips

A study highlights that even before full-blown depression manifests, structured social interventions, such as peer groups, community connections, or emotional support networks. can offer a small but meaningful protective effect. Words can comfort, or they can crush. Here's what you should and shouldn't say.

a) What Not to Say

Avoid these phrases, even if your intentions are good:

1. "Just cheer up."
2. Depression isn’t a mood; it’s a condition. This phrase implies blame.
3. "Others have it worse."
4. Comparison invalidates their pain.
5. "Snap out of it."
6. Depression doesn’t respond to willpower alone.
7. "But you’re so lucky!"
8. Gratitude and depression can coexist. This doesn’t help.
9. "You’re being dramatic."
10. Dismissive comments deepen the shame and isolation.

b) What to Say Instead

Here are some phrases that open the door to connection:

1. "I’m here for you, no matter what."
2. Offers consistent support.
3. "I don’t fully understand what you’re feeling, but I want to."
4. Shows humility and willingness to listen.
5. "You’re not alone in this."
6. Reminds them of your presence.
7. "It’s okay to not be okay."
8. Validates their experience.
9. "Would talking to someone help? I can help you find the best mental health experts."
10. Encourages professional support without judgment.
11. "Do you want to talk, or should we just sit together?"
12. Honors their pace and comfort.

Words That Heal: Emotional and Spiritual Insights into Support

Empathy isn’t about fixing someone. It’s about meeting them where they are.

a) Beyond Words: Your Presence Is the Real Message

One-to-one peer support may not dramatically reduce depression symptoms directly, but it enhances psychosocial domains like self-worth, social support, and sense of recovery. Sometimes, your being there speaks louder than words. When someone is depressed, they often feel like a burden. By simply showing up—without trying to solve or push—you reinforce one key message: You matter to me.

b) The Inner Healing: What Therapy Teaches About You

Therapy and support aren’t just about symptom reduction. They are about renewing the ability to engage meaningfully with life.

Psychotherapy remains one of the most effective treatments for depression, helping individuals understand their thoughts, regulate emotions, and build healthier coping strategies.

Individual therapy helps people rebuild their self-worth, navigate trauma, and relearn how to enjoy the world. It teaches them to:

1. Understand their inner narratives
2. Set healthy boundaries
3. Build resilience against emotional triggers

You can mirror this by:

1. Letting them talk without correcting them
2. Acknowledging their feelings without trying to cheer them up
3. Celebrating small wins, like getting out of bed or eating a meal

c) Letting Go of the Savior Complex

One of the most powerful things you can do is accept that you are not their healer but you are their ally. Trust the process, encourage professional help, and let go of control.

Encourage them to attend a free exploratory call with a therapist or counsellor. That small step can open doors to recovery.

Actionable Tips to Show Real Support

Small, thoughtful actions often mean more than grand gestures. Here’s how you can walk the talk.

a) Check In Without Pressure

1. Send simple texts like “Thinking of you today”
2. Don’t expect replies—but let them know they’re on your mind.
3. Ask questions like “How can I support you today?” instead of “Are you okay?”

b) Help With Daily Tasks

Sometimes depression makes everyday life feel impossible.

1. Offer to do groceries, laundry, or make a meal.
2. Suggest walks or activities that don't demand energy.
3. Help them schedule an appointment or research resources.

c) Learn About Depression Together

Knowledge reduces fear and builds empathy.

1. Read about common symptoms of depression.
2. Watch documentaries or TED Talks on lived experiences.
3. Join support groups for friends and family of those struggling.

The Deeper Journey: How Supporting Someone with Depression Changes You

Caring for someone with depression also becomes an invitation to examine your emotional health.

a) You Learn to Listen—Truly Listen

When you set aside your need to fix, you learn the art of listening with your whole being. This becomes a gift not just to the one you love, but to all your relationships.

b) You Embrace Patience and Emotional Growth

Helping someone through depression teaches non-linear progress. Some days are good, others are difficult. You begin to:

1. Embrace unpredictability
2. Set boundaries with kindness
3. Understand that healing is a slow dance, not a sprint

c) You Build Real Emotional Intelligence

As you grow more sensitive to others’ pain, you also grow more attuned to your own. And this can ripple out into more compassionate workplaces, families, and communities.

Conclusion

Let’s return to that quote: “Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it isn’t so.” You don’t need to fully grasp what someone with depression is experiencing to offer real support. What matters is showing up—with empathy, patience, and words that don’t dismiss but gently affirm. Your support doesn’t need to be flawless. You may stumble or say the wrong thing at times, but your genuine effort can still bring comfort.

In a world that often misunderstands mental health, simply being present with compassion can make all the difference. And if you or someone you care about is struggling, don’t hesitate to attend afree exploratory call with a mental health professional. Because real support doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be real.

FAQs

What are the most common things people say that unintentionally hurt someone with depression?

Phrases like “Just get over it” or “Everyone feels that way sometimes” may seem harmless, but they often invalidate a person’s experience.

How can I help someone who refuses therapy?

Don’t force them. Instead, keep the conversation open. Offer to go with them or help them attend a free exploratory call to make it feel less intimidating.

What are the physical and emotional signs of depression I should look out for?

Look for changes in appetite, sleep, energy levels, and emotional numbness or irritability.

Can saying the wrong thing really make someone’s depression worse?

Yes, especially if it adds guilt, shame, or pressure. That’s why intentional language matters deeply.

Where can I find the best mental health experts or therapists?

Start with credible platforms and recommendations from licensed professionals. Look for those who offer individual therapy tailored to the person’s needs and concerns.

Sources

Effectiveness of social support-based interventions in preventing depression in people without clinical depression -https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/00207640221134232?utm_source

A Systematic Review - A systematic review and meta-analysis of group peer support interventions for people experiencing mental health conditions | BMC Psychiatry | Full Text

The effects of psychotherapy for adult depression on social support - https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4465276/?utm_source